Saturday, August 11, 2007

Accio Offense!

Angels 10, Twins 1

The opposing clubhouse in Anaheim was silent, aside from one lowly radio, turned on to quietly hum slow, sad, country tunes. The radio was positioned directly in Scott Baker's locker, and although the locker room was deserted, the sound of running water from the showers gushed into the empty room.

The shower stopped and Scott, fully adorned in gym shorts and a navy shirt, emerged from around the corner, plopping into a red comfy chair in the corner of the room. He turned to face the empty locker room, his face contorted, thinking of what just to say to his non-existent teammates.

"Guys," his blue eyes, staring intently at the mass of nothing in front of him, were large and watering. "I'm sure I speak on behalf of the whole pitching staff when I say that I am extremely disappointed in the lack of offense that's been given to me." There was a pause. Scott stood up, hands in pockets, as he sighed, spinning on his heel to look over the empty place.

"What am I doing? There's nobody here. Those words have already been said. Nobody's going to listen to me.. I'm not Johan Santana. Even if I was Johan, I wouldn't be listened to." Scott looked up at the clock above him. The game had ended around 10:30. It was now 11:25.

There was a knock on the door where one entered the locker room. Scott froze, turning to look at the door, his eyes wide. "Uh.. Scottie? Scottie, you in there?" Mike Redmond opened the door, peeking his head around the corner. Scott sighed with apparent relief, giving a slight smile. "Hey, Red." He wiped a quick hand across his eyes, which he supposed were slightly red from the tearing that had occurred after the game.

"Scottie, we've been looking EVERYWHERE for you!" Redmond's voice was exasperated, as though he were out of breath. Scott looked at him, a look of confusion tugging at his face. "What do you mean?"

Before Redmond could answer, there was a loud crack, and Nick Punto appeared on the floor before them, his face planted against the tile. Scott's face shifted into alarm. "Nicky! Are you okay?! Where'd you COME from?"

Nick picked himself up, brushing himself off, pointing a finger at the red locker behind him. The door was swinging loosely on its hinges. Baker looked even more alarmed. "Were you.. were you.. spying on me?"

"No!" Nick's disapproval rose high into the air as the two looked at him with worried faces. "I.. I just.. popped up here! Last I remember I was talking to Cuddy, there was a jet of yellow light, and.. boom! I'm here!"

Redmond looked at him, his head cocked. "You mean.. you like.. just, appeared here?" He looked at the two of them. "Do you mean in like Harry Potter? It's called apparating! Maybe Nicky APPARATED!"

Scott stared at him. "Harry Potter's .. not real. How could Nicky apparate if it's not even real?" Redmond gave him a weird look, shrugging. "Well, I mean, Harry Potter is more believable than Nicky just appearing here out of nowhere."

Nick scratched his head. "I don't know, guys, but whatever happened, it had to do with Cuddy." He looked around at the locker room, as if seeing it for the first time. "We should go find him."

"No, no!" Another voice joined the trio's, and they all turned to see Carmen Cali running into the locker room, looking positively mortified.

"What is it?" Scott looked at Redmond and Nicky before his eyes peeled back to the relief pitcher standing in front of them, looking sullen-faced. "What's up, Cali?"

"Haven't you read Harry Potter before?" Carmen's eyes were wide. "What if Cuddy's Voldemort?" He looked bewildered.

Nicky started laughing rather impulsively, while Redmond stared at Carmen, nodding wildly. "Yeah, yeah! What if he tries to kill us? Oh man, we gotta go warn Gardy!" And with that, the four of them run down the halls to an empty room that Gardy was using as his office while on the road trip.

Upon entering, there was nobody there. All four's faces fell, though Scott looked skeptical. "Guys, you don't actually believe that Michael Cuddyer, our right fielder, is Voldemort?" He stared at them all, ready to shake a finger. "He hasn't killed anybody yet. Wouldn't he 'Adava Kedrava' somebody's ass?"

"He Adava Kedrava'd Nicky's offense." Redmond looked at Scott, as Nick stared at Redmond, pouting.

"Yeah, well.. he Sectumsempra'd your HEAD in the form of Jim Thome!" Nicky pointed at Red's head and the stitches that lingered there. Red swatted his hand away, opening his mouth to protest, but Baker spoke sooner.

"Guys, why would he Splinch himself? He hurt his thumb, remember? He was on the DL for 15 days. If he was Voldy, couldn't he just.. rewire himself and make his thumb feel good again?"

Before anybody could object to Scott's point, the door's frame (the door had been left open) creaked, and Michael Cuddyer stepped in with a genuine grin on his face. "Hey guys, what's going on? Team meeting?"

Nicky screamed, jumping behind Redmond. "PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!" Redmond pushed him away, looking at Cuddyer. "We're all useless without our wands! Guys, RUN!"

Scampering feet sounded on the floor as Cali, Redmond, and Nicky all ran like mice in the room to try to escape. Cuddy closed the door, staring at them as though they were idiots. "Scottie, what's going on?"

"I.. err.. they think you're Lord Voldemort. Since you made Nicky apparate and all." Scott blinked, looking at Cuddyer with a look of curiosity on his face. Michael looked at him, his face twisting into laughter. "What? You're kidding, right?"

".. No." Scott's voice quivered.

"Guys.. GUYS!" Michael waved his hands, looking at the three that had sought shelter in a closet in the empty room. "Guys, I'm not Lord Voldemort, I didn't try to kill Harry Potter seven times! I'm your right fielder and I am a NORMAL HUMAN BEING!" (At this, Baker sighed, rolling his eyes.)

Nicky stopped, looking out at Cuddy. "Well.. well.. why'd I land in a gym locker, then? There was a flash of light and I fell out of Neshek's smelly locker in the locker room!"

Cuddy liked as though he were ready for the question. "That wasn't me, Nicky! I don't know what happened, but I was just talking to you, and you were gone! I heard this insane cackling and left, looking for you. We should talk to Gardy, maybe he knows what's up." And with these words of wisdom, the five left to find Ron Gardenhire, who was looking a mighty lot like Dumbledore in the situation.

They traveled down the hallways, calling for Gardy, until they stumbled upon a broom closet where muffled whispers were coming out. It was the sound of a raspy voice and Gardy's own, and at the comforting noise of Gardy's barking tone, Nicky reached for the doorknob.

"NO!" Cuddyer slapped his hand away, shaking his head. "We need to listen, we can't open. Who's he talking to?"

"I dunno," Scott shrugged, and beside him, Carmen Cali pointed a stick to the air and whispered in a nearly inaudible voice, "Accio shotglass!"

Scott turned around to stare at him. "Where on EARTH did you get that stick? And were you actually thinking you would get a shotglass back from attempting to use a spell that doesn't exist?!"

Cali looked smug, putting the stick down. Cuddyer grabbed the stick, feeling the wood. "This feels like oak. With.. a string of bean in the center."

Redmond and Nicky were eating this all up; Scott, however, was not.

"Are you SERIOUS?" His voice was a testy, high-pitched whisper. Michael looked back at him, eyes wide. "Shhh!" He turned back to Nicky, Redmond, and Cali, looking as though he were a super sleuth. "I think he might have put the Muffliato charm on the door, because I can't make out what he's saying. If only I had some Extendable Ears!"

At the moment he said that, the door swung open, the five jumping back. Gardy was cowering behind his desk, and a long, cloaked figure revealed himself to the five. "VOLDEMORT!" Cali, Red, Nicky, and Cuddyer yelled as Scott stared, his mouth gaping open.

"Aha, I see you have all found liberty in my disguise! Very well, for this incredible piece of detective work, you shall all live to see your beloved manager perish, as he is not doing my bidding. You see, I offered him a deal! I said, 'Gardenhire, I will get you out of this situation; if you let your team lose the remaining games of the season, I will give him all of the money in the world to reward him with the Superhero that is Torii Hunter, and I will renew the contracts of Justin Morneau and Joe Nathan, I will restore your powers, Nick Punto! I will restore the powers of everybody, making them unable to get hurt! I will lessen the errors that Jason Bartlett makes, leaving all the pitchers to pitch gems! I will make it so your team is indestructible, if only you lose the remaining games of the season! I offered the same to the Tigers and the Indians, but look how they have responded: the same as you! You are all trying, thinking that you will end the slumps; but no! NOBODY CAN STOP LORD VOLDEMORT!" An insane roar of rage was given to this, as Voldemort gave them all a beady eye, looking extremely pale and angered.

Michael Cuddyer stood in front of all of them, puffing his chest out. "There is absolutely no way I'm going to allow this! You're working for the White Sox, aren't you?! YOU WANT THEM TO WIN THE DIVISION TITLE! We aren't going to let this happen! How much is A.J. Pierzynski paying you, anyways?"

Voldemort looked as though he had been slapped in the face. "I do not need money, foolish Muggles! How dare you propose this!" A horrible screeching followed before he started again. "I only wish White Sox nation to win it all! How hard is it to root for the home team? I was banished to Chicago, and I was lured in by this man you call "A.J. Pierzynski" - he offered me companionship when all of my followers, they are gone! How could I not use my powers on Muggles such as you? HOW COULD I NOT! I was being offered friendship, and this is something I have not been asked of for a long time... how dare you question it..."

Everything was getting blurry..

"Scott! Scott, wake up!" Scott's eyes snapped open to see Nick Punto and Mike Redmond staring down at him, looking extremely worried. "Scottie, are you okay?"

Baker looked up at them, feeling woozy. "What... what happened?" He felt as though he'd hit his head on something.

"You were dreaming, apparently," Nick's voice was low and quiet. "You were screaming, 'No! Not Cuddy! No, please, not Nicky, not Redmond, no! Cali... no! Please!' It was like you were watching us be tortured or something."

Scott sat up, eyes wide. "You mean that wasn't real?"

"What wasn't real?" Cali, from behind Nick and Red, looked rather confused.

"You- Gardy! Gardy was being forced into making us lose by Lo-"

Redmond started laughing, shaking his head. "Gardy was being forced to make us lose? Come on Scott, that grand slam must've really screwed you up a bit. Let's get you back to the hotel."

The four of them (Cuddyer, Redmond, Cali, and Punto) left, cleaning the locker room slightly before leaving Scott alone. He felt light-headed. So that was just a dream? He began walking after them, ready to sleep his worries away. But before he would sleep..

"Hey guys, have you ever read Harry Potter?"


Yep, that's my pathetic attempt at twisting Harry Potter and Twins baseball together. Hateful comments might ensue.

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